Vampire Bat: Fresh Blood

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "BECAUSE I DIDN'T!!"

Snake gets his eyes fixed

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do
everything!" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a
centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."Thirty minutes later, he walks into
the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,polished, dried
and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned.
The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.

He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later
he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted,
the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks
out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede.
Thirty minutes later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on.
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.Forty-five minutes later, still no
centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by
a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right
outside the door.The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me
a newspaper. What's the story?" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"

Computer: "He" and "She"

There are many good reasons why computers should be referred to as she! Here are just a few;
 
1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 3. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.


There are many good reasons why computers should be referred to as he! Here are just a few;
 
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

 3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

4. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they ARE the problem.

Reply From Tech Support

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and
Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults" (GPFs). "You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Regards
Tech Support

Tech Support: Marriage

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization,
where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hockey 3.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help! Thanks.

Last Prayer

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to
chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well..we were married 35 years."

If Only: Marriage_1

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband,
crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next
20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"Well...I would have gotten out today!"

Childbirth: School Assignment

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!"
said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the
opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a
natural childbirth in my family for three generations!"

Timmy: Bird Watch

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Timmy looked skyward and said, "Where, Where?"

Timmy Quiz: Ultimate ROFL Edition

What do you do when Timmy throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

**************************************************

What do you do when Timmy throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!

**************************************************

How do you make Timmy laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

**************************************************

What is Timmy doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.

**************************************************

Why can't Timmy make ice cubes?
He always forgets the recipe.

**************************************************

How did Timmy try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

**************************************************

Why does Timmy always smile during lightning storms? 
He thinks his picture is being taken.

**************************************************
 
How can you tell when Timmy sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

**************************************************

Why can't Timmy dial 911? 
He can't find the "eleven" on the phone.

**************************************************

How do you get Timmy on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Timmy goes for movie

Timmy took 18 of his friends for an adult movie.
One of his friends asked, "Why have you invited 18 of us?"
Timmy: "Because under 18 are not allowed"

Timmy needs a white sheet of paper

What will Timmy do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ?
(he already has one and he wants one more..)

He takes a photocopy of the white paper !!! (Quite intelligent eh..)

Timmy: Crocodile Boots

Timmy proposes to a woman. She says, "yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots." 
He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made. They find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims, "71st and again bare feet!"

Timmy_Employment

Once our Timmy was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column "Salary Expected". He was not sure as to what to be filled there.

After much thought he wrote : "Yes"

Timmy to Pan America

Timmy phones American Airlines, "How long does it take to fly to New York?"
"Just a sec sir..." says the rep.
"Thank you." says Timmy and hangs up.

Timmy wants a color TV

Timmy at the TV store, "Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

Man Falls Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the

local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my

husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very

embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hat-pin with you.

I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will

motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a

good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing

this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the

ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the

hat-pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.

Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is

your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards

Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hat-pin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.

Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not

notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few

motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her

husband with the hat-pin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore

him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that

goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half

and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Killer Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience;
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!" 

hmm... I bet Ronaldo is a good sucker... errr... soccer player.

 

I wonder what Rooney would say...

Nice "job" Ronaldo!

Good luck with that..

Lucky PSP

That's some love for technology, lolz :P

 

He or She?

Most Embarrassing Feminine Moments

A contest was organized by "New Woman Magazine" on "Most Embarrassing Moments" topic. 
The following are few good embarrassing moments that magazine received from several 
women.


----------------- Curl Up and Die ------------------

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Melinda Lowe, 39,
Seguin, TX

----------------------- Pad, please! ---------------

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.
He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I
could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.

He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman,46,
Winston-Salem,NC

----------------------- Ho, Ho, Ho ------------------

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into
the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our
Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son,
I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

Name Withheld

----------------------- Lady Golfer------------------

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins

One Liners: Lawyers

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
- One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish

What do you need when you have a car half full of cement and a lawyer in it?
- More cement.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
- God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

A lawyer after listening critically to a potential client's story:
'Hmmm.... I don't think they can put you in prison for such a small thing.'
'Where do you think I'm calling from?'

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
- When his lips are moving.

How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
- Depends on how hard you throw them.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
- Professional courtesy.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
- You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: How can a woman tell if she is flat chested? 
A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car
with them.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman ?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why do men die before their wives ?
A: They want to.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for ?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".

Q: Why did God give men penises? 
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A: When she has to chew before swallowing it.

Q: Define Bra? [simple words] 
A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the downfallen ones.


Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they getup in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.

Q: Why is the dick called a rumor in America? 
A: It goes from mouth to mouth.

Q: What is difference between sky and skirt?
A: Sky covers the whole universe and skirt covers the universal hole.

21 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

1. Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
4. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
5. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
6. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
7. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
8. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
9. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
10. Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
11. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
12. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
13. Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
14. Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
15. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
16. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
17. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer
18. Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
19. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
20. Clean up an animal that makes more money than me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
And this one's my favorite... 
21. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee

Top 10 Funny Job Titles

1. Experienced bra fitter – I bet they had trouble finding candidates for this one.
2. Finish Carpenter – for when the Start Carpenter gets tired.
3. Helpdesk Technician @ Pentagon – “Uh, hello? I’m having a problem with this missile…”
4. Nail Tech – so nails can be pretty complicated…
5. Molecular Biologist II – when Molecular Biologist I gets promoted.
6. Hotel Housekeepers – Why can’t they just say ‘hotelkeepers’?!
7. PLUMMER/ELECTRICIAN – Get a dictionary/thesaurus first.
8. Sandwich Artist – Another “Jesus in my food” wannabe.
9. HOUSE MANAGER/TEEN SUPERVISOR – See the dictionary under P, for Parent.
10. Ground Support – but there’s just more dirt under there..